so I'm hoping no one will read this. but it's easier than writing a diary or saving files on my computer. erm.. whatever. I don't care about the reasoning behind it all. i'm just doing it. I'm So so sick of talking round in circles.

isn't it amazing how one word, phrase, sentence can suddenly flip you right upsidedown. from normal to extatic, then another and right back down through normal to "damn".
you see.. i just can't help it, jealousy is such an over tempting option, it eats away but you don't realise it until one moment and then you can feel that hollow inside. and then you feel it eating away, until you forget. and it's just SO stupid: people who are loved and love others are BETTER! exclusivity is stupid, one should be glad that the people one loves also love other people and are loved by other people: it makes you more lucky and them better people.
but it's tough to swallow when the other people they love are with them every day, know their daily lives inside out, see their small triumphs and falls and not only the big ones, are there to hug them when they most need it, to have unplanned fun and to share jokes.. god, that's like a massive hole in my middle with the wind blowing through and chilling me. because the reaction is always so surprisingly physical. it's like my heart falls down the hole inside me and bounces on my stomach, which shrivels in fear.. and my brain shivers and pushes against my skull, trying to get away from the reality. and it's SO STUPID a reaciton because it's not a big deal, I mean just because they know and like other people doesn't mean they like other people less at all. i just want to be special. i just want to be the best, the only. i just WANT to be happy that they're happy and stop this stupidity! but how? I DON'T KNOW! my head says it's OK but the hole in my insides says it kills me and nearly brakes my heart (good thing my stomach's there to bounce it or it might crash, I suppose..)
so. i love. I love a lot of people a lot. and they love a lot of people too. and they are loved by a lot of people.
I suppose it would make it a little easier if they weren't loved in *quite* that way.. but who am I to complain? I'm not really the one getting hurt. i'm the lucky one. remember that.
though if we're looking at lucky; this is only one instance, he's not the only person I love, but it's just the current example.
there are two of us, right? one in "name" his girlfriend, the other his friend. his girlfriend has the benefits of name, and whatever extra comfort that might bring;. she gets kisses and cuddles and other benefits, when she's around, and he does say sweet things to her sometimes, which make her feel special at the time, though more often than she'd like she finds out he says things to other people and she doesn't know if they're any less sincere than they are to her (when was the last time he said "love ya"? honestly?)
the friend, however, is torn apart by the fact that he likes someone else. but she sees him everyday, has very special jokes, does get cuddles and probably more from him, talks to, enjoys and shares things with him every day. makes him feel better when he needs it. she's there for him. and it's easy to say you like someone when they're around, who's to say that he doesn't actually prefer the friend? like her more? only apparent attractiveness might be the benefits of the girlfriend, not fun, company and comfort.
if he had to choose one, which would he choose?
but, he chose, on new years eve, he chose to make one cry for the truth. maybe that means something.
and he smiled so much on that first evening that they knew what was going on.
so. why am I worried? I'm lucky. that's all that matters.